The Sneeze
by Hope Johnson
an adaptation of "The Death of the Government Clerk" by Anton Chekhov
Characters:
Leo Chervyakov: man in his 30s, subordinate to General Brizzhalov. Extremely worried about appearances and what people think of him. An obsessive worrier. Comically obsequious and fawning.
General Brizzhalov: a middle-aged Russian general, high up on the totem pole. Dignified and easily irritated.
Leo’s Wife: has learned to put up with her husband’s worry-wart ways.
Narrator: chronicles the demise of poor Leo.
Leo, the government clerk, sits watching the opera, looking very pleased with himself. General Brizzhalov sits in front of him.
Narrator
Follow me to Russia,
to an evening opera play,
When a twist of fate and a worrisome trait,
Led a man to the end of his days.
I can picture it like it was yesterday;
it was 1883,
When Leo, a government clerk
Was watching the opera with glee.
Til’ suddenly his face puckered up;
his eyes disappeared in his head;
His breathing abated, he desperately waited,
His face turned wild and red.
Then he bent over and nat-u-ral-ly let out a loud
Leo
Achoo!
But, all men sneeze, a natural thing, no cause for much ado. (to himself)
Narrator
But then to his dread he saw that he’d spread
His sneeze to the balding man up ahead.
The man turned around with a grumbling sound
And scowled at him for the spittle he’d found.
Leo (to himself)
Oh, no! It’s Brizzhalov, a general,
so high above my station!
Will I live?
Will he forgive my sudden sternutation*?
Of course I must apologize,
The way he shamed me with his eyes!
I’ll do it now; I’ll count to three,
and pray he won’t be mad at me.
Leo crosses himself, then stands up and taps General Brizzhalov on the shoulder.
Pardon me, your Excellence
I sneezed on you by accident.
General
Never mind, never mind.
General turns around and sits down again. Leo taps him on the shoulder again and persists.
Leo
But sir, I must absolve my guilt for sneezing on your head,
Remorse for what I’ve done has filled my soul with dread!
General
Please, sit down! Let me listen! I have no time for foolish drivel;
Watch the play, forget the sneeze, and wipe away that stupid snivel!
Narrator
Our hero was embarrassed, as the general turned away,
His anger was apparent, for his untimely spray;
He knew he must say sorry for his nose’s sudden whim,
So at the intermission, he tip-toed up to him.
Leo
I spattered you, your Excellence; forgive me if you please,
Please know it was an accident, that sudden, irksome sneeze,
I swear upon the tsar and on our countries many woes,
I didn’t mean to splatter you with what’s inside my nose.
General
That’s enough, I had forgot, but you keep on and on!
Leave me be; don’t trouble me, with trifles hereupon!
Is this your normal way; do you like to stir up strife?
If this is what you’re like, then sir, I pity your poor wife.
General leaves angrily, leaving Leo on the stage.
Leo
Oh, no! He is upset with me; I saw it in his eyes,
That fiendish light if not appeased, will lead to my demise;
He says he has forgotten, but I’m not really sure;
Perhaps the time to think will let his wayward thoughts mature!
I know what time does to a man’s imagination;
Later he may think that it was full premeditation!
Leo sits at his kitchen table, talking to his wife.
Narrator
On getting home, Leo had a meeting with his wife;
And told her of the breach of manners threatening his life.
Leo
My dear, disaster’s on our home, my love, forgive me please;
Tonight upon a general I somehow chanced to sneeze.
Wife (laughs)
My dear, I understand your qualms in principle, you se
But in the grander scheme of things it’s just a little sneeze.
Leo (taken aback)
You take too frivolous a view on what has just transpired;
This general, he has the power to get your husband fired!
I don’t know what to do? What if I get demoted?
For sure I’ll be a laughingstock; I’ll never be promoted!
Wife
Please calm down, preserve your waning sanity, I say;
I swear your worried ways will be the end of you someday!
But I know you well and that you’ll never let it go,
So if you’d like, get up and go apologize tomorrow.
Leo
That's just it! I did, but somehow he took it badly;
Perhaps a night of rest will help him take it gladly.
Leo waits outside the General’s office, nervously fixing his clothes and hair.
Narrator
Morning came and Leo waited by the general’s door,
Another smart apology would patch things up for sure.
Leo
My shoes are shined, my hair is cut, my uniform is pressed;
I’m ready now, the general is sure to be impressed.
General
Next!
Leo enters the room timidly and simpers at the general.
Leo
Yesterday at the opera, if you still recollect,
To my chagrin, I sneezed on you, and I must genuflect
Before you now, my dearest sir, I’ve been quite a buffoon
I spattered you and splattered you just like a snorting goon!
General
What nonsense man! Your foolishness, I barely can believe!
Get on your feet, stop simpering, and make your way to leave.
Leo
Your Excellence! I cannot leave if I still feel your ire,
I need to know that you do not consider me a liar!
The General makes a face and waves his hand in dismissal.
General
I’m tired of your words, they couldn’t be sincere,
You bother me at work at the busiest time of year;
I know it now; it’s clear to see,
You’re only making fun of me!
Leo leaves the room, but we see him pacing nervously outside the General’s office.
Leo
The devil take him! I'll have to write a letter to the man.
But no; he’ll think I’m making fun;
I’ll have to visit him again.
Narrator
So here he stood the next day, to do what he must do
With his nervous eyes and his fawning guise,
you’d think it déjà vu.
Leo walks in to the General’s office.
Leo
I ventured to disturb you in your office yesterday,
not to make fun of you as you were pleased to say;
I came just to apologize, somehow to appease
The wrath that I incurred, upon my sudden sneeze.
General (stands up, livid)
Be off with you I say! Leave while you can,
I never want to hear your whiny voice again!
I’m tired of your words; I’m tired of your face
The way you’ve carried on has made your name a sure disgrace!
Leo runs out in horror and doubles over in stomach pain. He stumbles home, holding his stomach. He returns home and collapses on his sofa.
Narrator
When he left, Leo felt a sudden stomach pain;
His trip to see the General, had surely been in vain.
He staggered on mechanically until he reached his home,
Defeated and remembering the General’s livid ton
Overcome by his aching stomach and his wounded pride,
Leo lay down on his sofa
and died.
